Antidote

I am so excited! On my way home I picked up my copy of Google Blogger for Dummies. You should soon notice a huge improvement in my blog. Widgets! Gadgets! Add-ons! From techno-peasant to techno-wizard in 336 idiot-proof pages!

The reason I go to work at 6:45 a.m. is to listen to the voice mail and empty the e-mail box. My colleagues voted me best sentence-slinger on the “team” so I’m “it” since written responses have to be provided. Every morning I struggle to remember my company manners and resolutely dismiss the answers that spring to mind unbidden. In order to get them out of my system, I’ve decided to share a few. Except to remove anything that could identify the writer, these missives remain – really and truly – exactly as they appeared before my wondering eyes.

RE: Update
Customer

Could you send me the form I need to change information?

Dear Customer,
Since we have about eleventy million change forms, I need you to be more specific. It it’s a sex change you’re referring to, please include your current gender. If it’s an address change, don’t forget to mention your new postal code.
Annie

RE: Your assistance request could not be processed
Customer

I checked on-line and everything looks right except that you’ve given me a son and I don’t have one. It says his birth date is January 1, 2007 and I wasn’t even married then. Please correct this immediately.

Dear Customer,
Unfortunately, a purely fictitious son (aka Member, Family) has installed himself as a default setting in the system. We are working hard to evict him. On the plus side, he doesn’t require spoon-feeding and regular diaper changes and he’s not, one happy day in the future, going to blame you for everything that’s wrong with his life.

Truly, you should be thankful for small mercies.
Annie

RE: Voice Message
Customer

Hi there! I’m the girl who’s having so many problems with Payroll. Could you give me a call?

Dear Girl,
I am shocked. I can’t believe you’re having problems with Payroll. Usually we talk to people whose Bingo daubers have gone dry or who want to update us on the price of kumquats in Kathmandu. We just don’t have any experience dealing with Payroll problems. Given that we have over 11,000 employees, I think that’s a pretty impressive track record.

What I’m really trying to say is there’s nothing we can do about your Payroll problem. If you need help getting a brain transplant, however, we’d be happy to assist. We’ve also had a bit of success locating clinics that specialize in lobotomy reversals.

Please let us know if you’re interested.
Annie

RE: Health Spending Account
Customer

I want to know what happens to the HSA money if I don’t spend it. I’ve had a Health Spending Account since 2005 but didn’t know about it so didn’t use the money. Who got it?

Dear Sir:
Unused monies are donated to the al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade for blowing up Jewish settlers on Palestinian land.

Thank you for your interest in our Charitable Giving Programme.
Annie

RE: Health Spending Account
Customer

Hi Hon,
Do we need to know this?
I did not get through to the Provincial Health Care people today. I’ll try again tomorrow.
How is your evening going?
I Love You Mommy and Jeannie and Pat.
Mom

Dear Mom,
Those Provincial Health Care people sure can be pesky. I love you, too.
Annie

RE: Help
Customer

Hi!
I get to claim mileage now and I’m not sure how to keep track of how far I’ve gone. Can you help?
Confused

Dear Confused,
Well you should ask. This is classified information revealed to only a select few. In your car there’s a hidden feature called an odometer. It ticks off the number of miles you’ve travelled. Most people are never told about it because individuals less clever than yourself would stare at the moving numbers instead of watching the moving traffic on the road. That could lead to accidents which means people might get hurt which means already overworked nurses could sustain back injuries while wheeling extra beds out of storage and there might not be room for those beds in the first place not to mention the fact of an unsightly mess left cluttering the roadway and the possibility of small innocent children being traumatized by the wreckage... I’m sure you see where I’m heading with this.

In many vehicles the odometer is located on the dashboard. If you don’t find it there, remove the spare tire from your trunk, climb inside and start searching with a flashlight. It’s a bit tiresome for you, of course, if that’s where it turns out to be in your car but has the advantage of forestalling all the problems I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

I almost forgot to inform you that the odometer goes backwards when your car is in reverse so it’s important to plan your route carefully.

Since you’re now a member of the Super Duper Secret Mileage Club, I’d also like to offer you a fabulous once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity. Several astute developers are selling shares in a grapefruit plantation on the shores of Hudson’s Bay. Let me know if you’re interested.
Annie

RE: HR
Customer

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Meanwhile:
Dad goes home tomorrow. This afternoon he looked almost cheerful as he lay in bed intoning:

Ten days and eleven nights I’ve been in this calaboose;
Eleven days and ten nights until they set me loose.

Home care, twice a day, has been organized and Creature left a bag of homemade blueberry muffins and oatmeal cookies hanging on the doorknob of my parents’ home while Mom was out at her acupressure session.

Creature amazes me sometimes. I can hardly believe she’s the same girl who once ordered 2500 dollars’ worth of extra large underwear and Barbie car on our neighbour’s charge card.

Speaking of Creature, she and Finn have reached a stalemate. He doesn’t want to be born, apparently, and she doesn’t want labour induced. The midwife has told her she can’t go much longer than 42 weeks without induction so, one way or another, their bluffs will soon be called. I hope this impasse isn’t indicative of a lasting pattern in their mother-son relationship.